You are souls to be pitied, iPhone-addicted masses. There are no self-help books for you, no meetings, no ‘group’ for those of you in possession of the 21st century’s accessory of choice. Even as you read these words, you may have felt the fiery grip of rage at the use of the term ‘accessory’ to describe the greatest device known to man. But how do you know and accept that you’re an addict? The first step is to identify the problem – allow us to help.

5 Signs You’re Addicted to Your iPhone

5 Signs You’re Addicted to Your iPhone

1. You accidentally slide to unlock your front door

This one’s a real kicker. It’s so simple on your iPhone, isn’t it? An easy mistake to make; we’re not here to judge. Having said that, your door is locked by a power greater than touchscreen, and you still need your keys to get inside. (While we’re on this point, your laptop, although it’s a Mac, doesn’t have a touchscreen either and you’re leaving nasty smudges all over the screen in your efforts to bypass the keyboard-controlled log-in.)

2. Your friends and family buy you vouchers for the iTunes store

It’s the holiday season; it’s a time for family and Bing Crosby, but not for you, you iPhone fanatic. Christmas means one thing and one thing only: iTunes vouchers. Gone are the days when you would eagerly unwrap a gift, wondering what it was, enjoying the crunchy texture of the wrapping paper in your clammy hands. Now you’re passed an envelope containing your ticket to that really cool app your life has been missing, and a card you don’t bother reading. If it’s not an envelope waiting for you under the tree, why even bother opening the damn thing? Oh, iPhone addict, if your mother could see you now… But she can’t, because she doesn’t have a phone with Facetime.

3. You can’t pass an Apple shop without stopping

Let’s be clear though: you don’t only stop, you first scan the window display to see if there’s anything obviously new that you should/must purchase. Then you look at your iPhone for the time, and to double-check your schedule to make sure that you can afford to be late. And even if you can’t, you go in anyway, because you’re in the market for a new iPhone 4S cover, and maybe even some iPhone earphones, colour: magenta. They’ll go with everything.

4. You have nightmares about losing your iPhone

It’s a pain, losing your phone, a pain we’ve all gone through at one stage. But for you, iPhone addict, losing a phone is like losing a limb. God forbid you need to venture somewhere new – how will you possibly find it without your iPhone’s in-built mapping and sat-nav technology? And should you get a tune stuck firmly in your brain, without the Shazam app, how will you ever find out what it is? You can’t Google a melody, dammit! A few days without your phone and you find yourself craving an Angry Birds hit. You’ve completely forgotten how to check your email on your computer, and have rapidly lost touch with all of your friends on Facebook and the trending things on Twitter for the same reason. Without your iPhone, you are doomed.

5. You get irrationally annoyed at anyone who criticises Apple products

Whoa there, easy feller. It’s widely documented that the iPhone 4 had major signal problems upon release. Violence is not the answer, and violent threats under a false name in an internet forum don’t help anyone either. You may think that your baby is the be-all and end-all of communication technology, but that doesn’t mean you don’t play nice with the kids who’ve got BlackBerry phone contracts. And it’s never ok to call someone intellectually inferior based solely on their hardware. You should know better.

If any or all of these signs describe you, we urge you to seek help. Failing that, at least purchase an extra battery on one of your regular trips to your place of worship. It’s the least your baby deserves.